My wife and I have been married almost seventeen years. It seems a much shorter amount of time. It’s been a good time even though times haven’t always been good.
We wrote our own vows, as many do. Even if you used the traditional vows from your religious organization, I’ll bet it has been quite some time since you have re-read them, even if you’ve only been married a short while.
Vows are considered sacred and solemn because they are promises made to another to be a certain kind of person who strives to serve the other in ways that help him/her become his/her better Self. As such, they are freely chosen boundaries within which we pledge to direct our personal growth in tandem with the other.
We live within boundaries. Other-imposed boundaries, like the laws of the land, are often non-negotiable and are established ostensibly to provide for the common good and welfare of all inhabitants. Other “other-imposed” boundaries include, depending on your spiritual perspective, the universal moral law of humanity given by the deity. This, too, can be considered non-negotiable, albeit debatable as to its true meaning and impact on human behavior.
The laws of nature, of course, are non-negotiable with absolute certainty because we have no choice regarding whether or not we abide by them. We cannot choose to exclude ourselves from the law of gravity, or chemistry or the time-space relationship that constitutes the backdrop of any personally-perceived reality.
But the height of freedom, maturity and successful living is to choose your own personal boundaries within which you will direct your thinking and behavior. This is a requirement of human life, whether consciously exercised or not. You may choose wisely or witlessly.
However, choices need to be made. If not done intentionally and with careful and honest deliberation, the necessary realm of self-imposed boundaries will be filled with boundaries imposed by others. More often than not, these boundaries are merely manifestations of their own desires in their relationship with you. Trying to live within the confines of others’ selfish expectations means that you will live as if you were someone other than yourself. This is not your better Self. It is, rather, a “second self” that experiences life more as a spectator than as an actor.
Outside those that are non-negotiable, you must choose those boundaries that define and declare your character or they will be chosen for you. You have the power to channel your energy and focus your personal resources in ways that will manifest your worthy aspirations. If you don’t choose your own boundaries, you will never realize what you most ardently desire.
The vows that my wife and I exchanged are unique in the words we chose to use; but, like your own vows, I believe they express the universal intention to be bounded in certain ways that would build each other up and bring out each other’s better Selves as we journey together through life.
I came across our vows recently as I was cleaning out a “storage” room in our house. As I read them again, I measured my seventeen year performance against those words of promise made long ago. How have I done at living up to them? Have I remained true to both the letter and the spirit of their expression? Has the reality of our lives together fleshed out the intention of the language?
I must say that we have done pretty well. However, by reviewing our vows I have silently, yet firmly renewed them in my conscious efforts to make them even more real and meaningful in our on-going relationship. The distance between promise and reality is as close as the beneficial boundaries you set for yourself that help you choose daily to live by the promises you make.
Here’s our vows. I hope when you revisit yours you will find that you have chosen well both the words and the boundaries that provide the means to make them a living reality within your marriage.
I, Ken/Mary, take you, Mary/Ken, to be my wife/husband
To love with the power of life God has given me.
This day I give you all that I am and all that I will be.
I will help you become what you feel God wants you to be.
I will encourage you to grow and to learn in all you do.
I will be patient and gentile;
I will be honest and trusting;
I will seek to understand you;
I will listen to you because I believe I can learn from you.
No longer will we face life separately, but together.
In our marriage, I will strive to grow in my love for you.
In the name of Jesus.
God is my witness.
